ALTHOUGH WE'VE COME...TO THE END OF THE ROAD...

PLAYOFF CHANCES
---------------------------

HIGHHEELSHIGH+CHAIRS (100% chances of playoff action) --- The REAL season starts in 2 weeks for HHH. With this weekend's thrilling comeback victory over Mr. Bunga, the Heels have clinched home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. The only thing left to do is knock out those scrappy Ambassadors, a match that still has playoff-picture implications. Winning would tie a league record for best regular season of all-time. Bravo.

CHAMP BAILEYS and STRAPS OF THE JOCK (88%) - Absolutely massive showdown. The winner clinches an out-right playoff spot. The loser will be in serious jeopardy. Their eyes will be on The South Park Showdown, because if HHH wins, BOTH these idiots clinch. (Side Note: How bout those Straps??? If not for this weekend's HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE one-point heartbreaker to his Mrs. (snicker snicker), Coach Bunga would be the #1-seed of this entire league. Instead, they're in the midst of a collapse.....not one, but TWO crunch-time-letdowns-in-a-row. Are they crashing faster than Eldrick's Escalade?)

TOMMY GUNS (75%) - Win and you're in. In fact, thanks to your massive collection of points, the only way you miss is by: 1) losing AND the Straps beating Bupka AND the Ambassadors pulling a win out of their ass. It's possible, but those are alot of ifs. Stay thirsty, my friends.

AMBASSADOR INNOS (50%) - Win = in. Lose = out. Simple as that. If you win, your reward is to play the Heels AGAIN in back-to-back weeks. Ambassadors, your playoffs start today!

THE COBRA KAI (0%) - A loss over the weekend ended his pitiful season. Our friends at TMZ just sent us this picture, believed to have been taken today...

WEEK 13 STARTS TONIGHT AT 8:20pm EST

PLEASE NOTE there is another Thursday Night game tonight. While this shouldn't surprise anyone --- they've been doing it for 3 or 4 weeks now --- it's important to note it because of our league's 2 most favorite things:  WAIVERS and CONCUSSIONS.  Don't be that guy who is left out in the cold when your QB wakes up on Sunday with pussy headaches.  Be a good coach and maximize the value of your 6 bench positions. Remember, guys like Ryan Moats and Lex Hilliard have no business being on fantasy rosters (even though Funston blabs the opposite).

THE STATE OF THE LEAGUE!

So here we are in WEEK 13. Apparently the old adage is true: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Among the 4 teams currently holding playoff spots, 3 of them are the teams that hold all the RMU Bowl Rings. Is it just me, or does half this league simply not understand football? With only 2 regular season weeks to go, let's take a look at the current state of affairs:




CONTENDERS
---------------------------------

1. HighHeelsHighchairs (9-3) - All the stars seem to be aligning for The Heels at the right time. Certainly, there seems to be more life inside Coach Reilly than just a little Bunga. After 3 mediocre seasons, HHH has finally put it all together for a title run. Led by Captain Rivers, a steady dose of MJD, and flashy rookies DeSean Jackson and Mendenhall, this team has collectively kicked this league square in the nuts. I've personally witnessed outside-RMU coaches ask, "Are you serious? How did such a good team get assembled?" Remember - this team didn't trade anyone....it shows how important the draft is. BIG QUESTION MOVING INTO CRUNCH TIME - In an unprecedented storyline NO fantasy league has EVER SEEN, HHH faces the biggest question of all teams: How will the arrival of Baby Reilly interfere with Mama Reilly's management?????? It's a zany storyline that only Hollywood could've imagined!!!! Coming soon to a Lifetime channel near you: A mother (Katherine Heigl) gives birth to a baby (Leah Gosselin) just as DeSean Jackson (Cuba Gooding Jr.) scores a TD to win the RMU Bowl!!! Kevin Pollak co-stars as the Commish. Jarrod Bupka plays a vampire.

2. Straps of the Jock (8-4) - How did we let the Reillys overrun this league!??!!??! Just like how Peyton's Colts are always a good bet for 10 wins, so are the Straps a model for consistency in this league. Coach Bunga has put together his usual well-rounded starting lineup. A couple of his larger gambles (Ochocinco, Shady McCoy) have paid off, along with some smart pickups like Mario Manningham (early season) and Larry Johnson (late season). While not raping Reno cocktail waitresses (allegedly), Big Ben has produced considerable stats on several weeks. Hell, even LT has shown signs of life recently, and that's a bad thing for the rest of the league. BIG QUESTION MOVING INTO CRUNCH TIME - The Straps are a solid team -- and history suggests they'll be there for the big game -- but when will their front office figure out the waivers process? Child Please.

3. CHAMP bailey (7-4-1) - Coach Bupka's model for success continues. If you look at the 2008 version versus the 2009 version, the team's makeup is almost identical. Drew Brees runs this bitch, and puts up insane numbers on a weekly basis. The Bupka Formula continues by adding not 2...not 3...but 4 stud receivers (5 if you count Vernon Davis), and you'll have a formidable team. While CHAMP's running backs are iffy, they were last year too....and we all remember how that ended up.  Why aren't more teams copying The Bupka Way?  BIG QUESTION MOVING INTO CRUNCH TIME - Will that Week 7 TIE to the Big Snacks come back to haunt their playoff chances? Remember, when the dust settles next Tuesday, 8-5 would be higher than 7-5-1. If they do get in the playoffs, will they have to deal with Sean Peyton resting Brees? Matt Cassel is not leading this team to the promised land. Also, will Cedric Benson be this year's Sammy Morris?

4. TOMMY GUNS (7-5) - While currently sitting on the RMU Playoff Bubble, this team might unleash the most threatening arsenal of all. Easily the league's highest-octane offense, they simply don't take weeks off. As proof, the Guns have scored under 100 only 3 times this season, and 2 of those were 99-point weeks. 12 times scoring over 90!!!! Talk about consistency. Now with the genius addition of Chris Johnson, they now have the ability to light it up to 150 on any given week, and that should REALLY scare the top 3 seeds. Even so, they are still only 3-3 over the past 6 games, proving that a strong effort can take them down. BIG QUESTION MOVING INTO CRUNCH TIME - Oddly enough, they made the WORST trade of the year (Slaton for Randy Moss), but have yet to feel its ill-effects. When will it finally catch up to them????

5. Ambassador Inno (7-5) - Probably the most disappointing team of the year, especially after winning August's First Overall Pick Lottery. The Ambassadors have struggled all year to provide All Day Peterson with a supporting cast. Matt Ryan didn't progress this year they way everyone was hoping. Knowshown hasn't done much, despite playing on a good team. And there have been big injuries, especially to stars like Calvin Johnson and whatever Anthony Gonzalez COULD have been in that offense. The Ambassadors chose to stand pat at the trade deadline, a move that received criticism from the media. However, even though they are surrounded by mediocrity, give them credit for A) not putting all their eggs in the Steeler basket, and B) only being a 1/2-game away from sneaking back into the playoffs. If he can get in, it's a total new season. BIG QUESTION MOVING INTO CRUNCH TIME - Will they fight their way to the finish line? I remember the Cope Cabanas being in a similar scenario last year, where all they needed to do was win against 2-12 Scooter. They fizzled in an-80 point loss.



PRETENDER
---------------------------------

6. The Cobra Kai (6-6) - The Matt Ryan of our league. Coming fresh off of a stellar rookie campaign, Coach Porter has taken a step back in 2009. This team has been steadily up and down all year long, and they just can't seem to find a rhythm. Just as soon as they win a big game, they turn around and lose a big game. Consistency seems to be the culprit, as starters have been shuffled all year long, and trendy-but-horrible running backs (Jerome Harrison, Ryan Moats, Bernard Scott) show up to team meetings each week. Finally, one really unfortunate trade seems to have put a nail in the Cobra Kai coffin. Dumping off the likes of Chris Johnson, Marquez Colston, and Fred Jackson --- who combined for 65 pts last week --- for little return has been almost fatal. Once management realized their blunder, they acquired Tom Brady, but it appears the damage has already been done. Alas, all is not lost just yet. They almost certainly have to win out, and as fate would have it, the schedule has dealt them two bubble teams (Guns, CHAMPS). If they can get on a roll, they'll only help themselves.


EMBARASSMENTS
---------------------------------

7. Almost Seven (4-8) - After a season to forget in 2008, Coach Jay vowed revenge at the 2009 Draft. Um, we're still waiting. So where did it go this year? He would love to tell you it's because his 1st Round pick (Forte) has given him ZERO production, much like last year's 1st Round pick (Tom Brady) did. But if you look closer, the Almost Seven supporting cast is just awful. They rank at #2 in transactions made, and you can tell because 90% of that starting lineup belongs on waivers. Kevin Walter? Ahmad Bradshaw? I remember how mad Jay was that he couldn't draft Jamal Freaking Lewis.  Sheesh.  These guys wouldn't sit on the bench for any of the Top 4 teams. And poor Peyton Manning, who every year, seems to rot on some miserable team (see: Chaudhry, Saad or Golphin, Michael).  This year is no exception. Coach Jay's season pretty much ends this week, with one last chance to knock out Coach Inno in RIVALRY WEEK. The final week's Sevens-Brownies matchup will be worse than Browns-Lions.

8. BigSnackAttack - 98 (1-10-1) - While the Big Snack needs 2 more losses to lock up Worst Team in RMU League History, there are easily worse teams in this very league during this very year. Look at the numbers. Sure, they've laid 2 or 3 eggs over the course of 3 months. Who hasn't? But they've also scored 100+ points SIX times and have ONLY ONE win to show for it! Three of their losses were by less than 10 points. And after Week 10, they had the EXACT same number of total points as #1-seeded High Heels. As frustrating as that must be, the reality is that all playoff teams find ways to win. Ronnie Brown's injury was fatal, but they were probably already dead at that point. Trading Tom Brady for Kurt Warner was also bad, since Koncussion Kurt kan't seem to remember his own name. Yuck. Get some rest this season, Coach Briggs.

9. Legend of Pimpjuice (5-7) - The commish demands a mulligan. After this league generously chose to re-instate idiot Yee, what has he done to pay us back? First, he didn't show up to the draft (predictably). Then, with the pitiful team he inherited, he produced a pitiful record. Well, how did he try to improve that pitiful record????? He DIDN'T....as evidenced by THREE lousy transactions (!!!), all of which were done to combat bye-week holes at KICKER and DEFENSE. That just doesn't cut it in this league or ANY league. The Commish's Office has always said that we don't care how bad you are, as long you try to improve. This team has been a complete disgrace. What's worse is that nobody is surprised. If Florida State can fire Bobby Bowden mid-season, I can fire you. You are done with this league forever. Feel free to (continue to) mail it in the rest of the year.

10. Reservoir Brownies (5-7) - See Pimpjuice's comments above. What makes this situation worse is that this team has less points and less heart than Ex-Coach Yee. How far they have fallen! Only ONE transaction all year long? Forgetting to fill out your lineup? We thought you were better than that. It's just another instance where the public has been scammed. Oh sure, media, tell me Jon and Kate are happy together. Tell me Tiger Woods is a decent human being. Tell me Big Ben plays for Jesus (remember that?). Tell me the Brownies are a model franchise. All bullshit.  Don't be surprised if this is the end of the line for one of the league's fore-fathers. Another sad ending indeed.

EMBARRASSMENT HONORABLE MENTION - The Commish's Office - If this were the Steelers locker room, the Commish would be Big Ben and you coaches would be Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward. The Commish has sat out too many instances for questionable reasons (with a string of injuries, a cramped offseason schedule, endorsement commitments), so you would be right in calling him out to Bob Costas.  Whatever his reasons, they are no excuse for mailing it in.  Play hurt, commish!!!! 

The Commish is used to performing at a high level and he will continue to do so. He feels terrible that so many good matches and performances have gone by un-hyped.  That the first cycle of RIVALRY WEEK was ignored. Even the new waivers process has been largely unpopular. For god's sake a pregnant woman is leading this league!!! ESPN should almost certainly be alerted.  Moving forward, expect that to change. We will UNLEASH HELL in December!!!!!!

24 HOURS....WHO IS ON THE CLOCK?

What: LIVE!!! 2009 RMU Season VIII Fantasy Draft
When: MONDAY AUGUST 31, 2009 7:30pm
Where: DRAFT WAR ROOM held in Pittsburgh's South Side
Cost: $25. $40 if you don't draft in-person or online
Draft Order: See below, dickheads.

2009 OFFICIAL SCHEDULE

Looks like it will be a fun year.   What week is scheduled on YOUR calendar??

 

WEEK 1 - OPENING WEEK
TOMMY GUNS vs. CHAMP Bailey    **RMU BOWL VII RE-MATCH!!!!**
Almost Seven vs. The Cobra Kai
Reservoir Brownies vs. Straps of the Jock
Legend of Pimpjuice vs. HighHeels&Highchairs
BigSnackAttack - 98 vs. Ambassador Inno    **EX-ROOMIES SQUARE OFF SUNDAY NIGHT**


WEEK 2
Ambassador Inno vs. TOMMY GUNS
HighHeels&Highchairs vs. Reservoir Brownies
Almost Seven vs. CHAMP bailey
The Cobra Kai vs. Legend of Pimpjuice
Straps of the Jock vs. BigSnackAttack - 98    ** THROWBACK WEEK -- RMU BOWL I RE-MATCH**


WEEK 3
Straps of the Jock vs. Ambassador Inno
CHAMP bailey vs. HighHeels&Highchairs
Legend of Pimpjuice vs. Almost Seven
BigSnackAttack - 98 vs. TOMMY GUNS
The Cobra Kai vs. Reservoir Brownies


WEEK 4 - RIVALRY WEEK #1
HighHeels&Highchairs vs. Straps of the Jock
TOMMY GUNS vs. Legend of Pimpjuice
CHAMP bailey vs. The Cobra Kai
Ambassador Inno vs. Almost Seven
Reservoir Brownies vs. BigSnackAttack - 98


WEEK 5
Almost Seven vs. Reservoir Brownies
BigSnackAttack - 98 vs. Legend of Pimpjuice
Straps of the Jock vs. CHAMP Bailey
HighHeels&Highchairs vs. Ambassador Inno
TOMMY GUNS vs. The Cobra Kai     **1st BATTLE SINCE THE 2009 OLDE ENGLISH FINAL PAIRING**


WEEK 6
Ambassador Inno vs. Legend of Pimpjuice
HighHeels&Highchairs vs. BigSnackAttack - 98
Almost Seven vs. TOMMY GUNS
The Cobra Kai vs. Straps of the Jock
Reservoir Brownies vs. CHAMP Bailey    **EX-ROOMMATE PRIMETIME EVENT!**


WEEK 7
BigSnackAttack - 98 vs. CHAMP bailey
Ambassador Inno vs. The Cobra Kai
HighHeels&Highchairs vs. Almost Seven
Legend of Pimpjuice vs. Reservoir Brownies
Straps of the Jock vs. TOMMY GUNS    **6-TROPHIES COMBINED IN A HUGE PRIMETIME EVENT!**


WEEK 8
TOMMY GUNS vs. Reservoir Brownies
The Cobra Kai vs. HighHeels&Highchairs
Legend of Pimpjuice vs. Straps of the Jock
CHAMP Bailey vs. Ambassador Inno
Almost Seven vs. BigSnackAttack - 98     **LOSER FORFEITS SEASON TICKETS!!!!**


WEEK 9
CHAMP Bailey vs. Legend of Pimpjuice
Reservoir Brownies vs. Ambassador Inno
TOMMY GUNS vs. HighHeels&Highchairs
Straps of the Jock vs. Almost Seven
BigSnackAttack - 98 vs. The Cobra Kai


WEEK 10
Ambassador Inno vs. BigSnackAttack - 98
Straps of the Jock vs. Reservoir Brownies
CHAMP Bailey vs. TOMMY GUNS
The Cobra Kai vs. Almost Seven
HighHeels&Highchairs vs. Legend of Pimpjuice    **THE-I-REMEMBER-WHEN-EVERYONE-THOUGHT-JOE-WAS-GOING-AFTER-AMY BOWL**


WEEK 11
CHAMP bailey vs. Almost Seven
BigSnackAttack - 98 vs. Straps of the Jock
Legend of Pimpjuice vs. The Cobra Kai
Reservoir Brownies vs. HighHeels&Highchairs
TOMMY GUNS vs. Ambassador Inno


WEEK 12
HighHeels&Highchairs vs. CHAMP bailey
TOMMY GUNS vs. BigSnackAttack - 98
Almost Seven vs. Legend of Pimpjuice
Reservoir Brownies vs. The Cobra Kai
Ambassador Inno vs. Straps of the Jock


WEEK 13 - RIVALRY WEEK #2
Legend of Pimpjuice vs. TOMMY GUNS
Straps of the Jock vs. HighHeels&Highchairs
Almost Seven vs. Ambassador Inno
The Cobra Kai vs. CHAMP bailey
BigSnackAttack - 98 vs. Reservoir Brownies


WEEK 14 - FINAL WEEK OF REGULAR SEASON
Ambassador Inno vs. HighHeels&Highchairs
Legend of Pimpjuice vs. BigSnackAttack - 98
The Cobra Kai vs. TOMMY GUNS    
CHAMP Bailey vs. Straps of the Jock   
Reservoir Brownies vs. Almost Seven

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Congrats on being invited back. Our Eighth season is upon us! By now, you should all be experts. No excuses for sucking. If you plan on sucking, get out now. Besides huge Dallas scoreboards, Prison-bitch Plaxico, and a rapist quarterback (allegedly), what's new in '09?


NEW FEATURES

1. DIVISIONS!!!! The most exciting change since you last looked in your couch cushion. Our league has adopted a 2-division format, and teams will be placed in either the Hank Fraley Division or the Tim Levcik Division. Division Champs will be awarded a 1st-Round Bye in the playoffs, along with some sort of extra fanfare. Since it's our inaugural year with divisions, please let the Commish's Office know if you have a preference. In the end, we probably won't listen to it, but whatev. No Divisions. Some coaches pointed out that there are no bye weeks in the playoffs. The Commish makes one mistake a year, and this was it. We're sticking with the same awesome model.


2. NEW WAIVER RULES. From the week's 1st Kickoff until TUESDAY, all FA's are re-statused to WAIVERS. You are free to sign these players, but nothing will be processed until Tuesday morning. All waiver signings are based on waiver priority, and when you sign anyone, your priority heads back to the bottom of the pile. This is done to prevent the instant cherry-picking of Mewelde Moore the moment Parker's leg shatters. Since most weeks start on a Sunday, players will usually be FA's until Sunday (hint: that's not the case during Week 1). Here's an example of a normal week:

TUESDAY - Free Agents in "FA" status.
WEDNESDAY - "FA"
THURSDAY - "FA"
FRIDAY - "FA"
SATURDAY - "FA"
SUNDAY - Change to WAIVERS (starts at 1st kickoff)
MONDAY - WAIVERS
TUESDAY - Waivers process. All remaining Free Agents returned to "FA" status.

3. FREE STATTRACKER. Everybody has access to LIVE scores now. The days of TOMMY GUNS and Charlie's Batch hammering away on their calculators are gone forever. Kind of sad, actually.


4. RIVALRY WEEKS? The Official RMU League Schedule will be released on August 26, 2009 at 2:00PM.  ESPN's Adam Schefter reports that the league has scheduled an RMU BOWL re-match in Week 1 and some explosive match-ups as the season goes. More than one RIVALRY WEEK has been discussed.



And lastly.....

5. THE UNFORTUNATE RETURN OF PIMPJUICE.... That's right. His career Record is 24-57-1 (.299 winning pct). But --- after being banished in 2008 to the Fantasy Minor Leagues, Pimpjuice actually won his Arena League Super Bowl. Will he finally get his act together in the Bigs?



DRAFT DAY = AUGUST 31, 2009 at 7:15 EASTERN STANDARD TIME



WHEN WILL THE DRAFT ORDER BE RELEASED?????????????????????????

TRIBUTE TO A LEGEND

Lost in all of last week's boo-hooing over Jacko / Billy Mays / Oscar Meyer was the passing of a real legend. It's been a week now, and nobody here at Top Ten has mentioned it, so allow me to take a quick minute to pay tribute. Last Saturday, while he was innocently napping on the coach, Steve LaTreal McNair (1973-2009) was shot four times (2x head / 2x chest) by his whacko Iranian girlfriend, and died in Nashville, TN.

Let's make one thing clear - McNair was very annoying in real life. But in the Madden Universe - where dreams come true - there was no better field general, no better QB, no better 1st round pick, no better anchor to any team. In several "franchise" seasons between 2002-2006, "Air" McNair was not only an ironman for my Miami Dolphins, but he was also a recurring visitor in opponents' nightmares. Throughout the roller coaster of countless wins and (few) heartbreaking defeats, McNair never once missed practice, demanded a trade, killed any dogs, or dropped my team's moral levels.

So let this be a lesson to all you single guys and engaged webmasters. If you're gonna cheat on your crabby wife, try not to do it with a teenage psychopath. We'll miss you, Steve. Let the Madden Gods always honor your #9 in the Madden Hall of Fame. From this day forward, I will never play with the Dolphins again.

Enjoy these memories:

BUFFOON!!!