c h a l k t a l k: November 2008

Welcome to the official start of CRUNCH TIME 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My friends, we started this journey 10 weeks ago, and for some, the end is already here. For others, the end is merely a few days away. Sadly, only 4 teams will squeak into the playoffs. Ain't it funny how the same coaches are in this same position time after time after time after time after time after time???? To the surprise of abs-o-lutely nobody, this league's two flagships are streaking at just the right point in the season. The rest of you are suspect. Not naming any names:

Oh, did the Nation's #1 seed just get upset? Damn straight they did. See ya later, goal post.

Now onto the playoff breakdown:

THE 9-3 DIVISION
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1. TOMMY GUNS - Clinched playoff berth. A win this weekend guarantees a home playoff game. Currently owns point tie-breakers on everyone in the land.

2. STEROIDS & VIAGRA - Clinched playoff berth. A win this weekend guarantees a home playoff game. Week 14 vs TOMMY GUNS could be huge for seeding purposes, and an RMU BOWL VII preview....

THE 7-5 DIVISION
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3. HEY HOLMES - What looked pretty dim on Monday morning turned into gold on Monday night. Brees is leading this team right now, BUT they have the hardest remaining schedule in the league (Guns/Brownies a combined 15-9). If they split, their high point totals will probably get them in. Losing two would be absolute disaster, and we've seen it from Bupka before......

4. STRAPS OF THE JOCK - Nobody wants to play these boys right now. Averaging 130 pts/week over their last 4, this legendary franchise has become relevant yet again. Not to mention they just stuck it to the Nation's #1-seed, S&V. Huge statement. Splitting their remaining two probably gets them in.............and.........a heaven-sent Week 14 matchup vs. The HEELS pretty much guarantees this will happen.

THE 6-6 DIVISION
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5. RESERVOIR BROWNIES - Needs Holmes/Straps to lose at least 1 game. Probably has the most meaningful final 2 games because they can knock out 2 competitors (Holmes/Cabanas) while helping themselves. They have been to the past 2 RMU BOWLS, but they haven't scored triple digits since Week 8.

6. C-HAMPS - Needs Holmes/Straps to lose at least 1 game. Ice cold right now....0-4 plus a "gimme" win over HHH....ice cold.....but it can all change this weekend with a HUGE HUGE HUGE matchup vs Bunga. A win over the Straps knocks him down into a 7-6 tie, and sets up an "anything goes" final week. If C-Hamps can get to 7-6 in Week 14 vs. the lousy Seekers, they've got a 50/50 shot at sneaking back in. A loss this weekend spells doom.

7. COPES CABANAS - Needs Holmes/Straps to lose at least 1 game. Cope is the low man on the totem pole in terms of points, but has the league's easiest schedule the rest of the way (Brownies and Inmates are 8-16 combined). Either needs to win out, or start scoring in bunches. Or both. A loss this weekend to Saad is fatal.

THE REST
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HHH, INMATES, and SEEKERS. Your Season = Terminated. Tee times are now available.

Good luck out there.

-COMMISHIONAIRRE

As you should know by now, NOVEMEBER 14, 2008 is the last day to swap players. And pardon me, people, but frankly it's been a shitty year for trades in our infamous RMU LEAGUE. Here's the count: one legit deal, two controversies, and one kicker/defense trade so far! Wow. Don't go blaming the economy, Obama's foreign policy, or surgery either! Time to look in the mirror. Who wants to step up and be the Craig Patrick this year? Who will make the ballsy deadline move for Hossa or Jason Kidd?

From our pal, ESPN's Chris Mortensen, here is the official RMU LEAGUE VII Guide to getting shit done:

STEROIDS AND VIAGRA (8-2)
NEEDS: Receiving corps, maybe a QB?????
HAS TO OFFER: Young Gun RB's

TOMMY GUNS (7-3)
NEEDS: A solid #1 or #2 RB option
HAS TO OFFER: Four talented wideouts, Larry Johnson

HEY HOLMES (6-4)
NEEDS: Not much. A tight end? Consistency?
HAS TO OFFER: Boatloads of good wideouts

RESERVOIR BROWNIES (5-5)
NEEDS: Some healthy running legs until Bush and Portis get healthy
HAS TO OFFER: Manning and Steve Smith fetch a pretty price and can be easily replaced on this squad...

STRAPS OF THE JOCK (5-5)
NEEDS: Wideouts, Wideouts, Widetous, and more Wideouts
HAS TO OFFER: A couple decent backs, Tony Gonzo, and Favre

C HAMPTON NT 6-1 325 (5-5)
NEEDS: Better all-around starters....WR/RB
HAS TO OFFER: Youth and LT. Time to move the LaDain Train before his value hits 0.

COPE CABANA HMM-HAH (5-5)
NEEDS: A god damn QB! No leadership translates to mediocre record (including 3 straight L's)
HAS TO OFFER: Solid RB's and WRs. He benches good players each week.

6TH RING SEEKERS (4-6)
NEEDS: A 3rd RB option and some luck.
HAS TO OFFER: QB!!! Warner and Rivers are both in the Top 5. Why sit one every week??

HIGH HEELS & HELMETS (3-7)
NEEDS: Needs to shoot Addai. This team is woeful in the RB department.
HAS TO OFFER: Aaron Rodgers should be moved for backs. Campbell is productive!

JOEPA'S INMATES (2-8)
NEEDS: A punch in the face.
HAS TO OFFER: Limas Sweed! Two good kickers. Yikes.

TOP 5 DEADLINE DEALS OF ALL-TIME

#5
July 28, 1995 - Toronto Blue Jays deal (a.k.a. sell) David Cone to the Bronx Bombers for 3 minor leaguers. Cone helped the Yanks to the ALCS that year, only to fall to Seattle. Five years later, those 3 bums still hadn't cracked a major league roster, and Cone was busy polishing his FOUR world series rings.

#4
March 31, 2001 - Facing an ugly locker room situation in E54, the Nadds beat the Res-Life deadline and swapped Christopher M. Sanders for Nick Torris (and future considerations). Sanders went on to lead the league in skipped classes, ugly curtains, and Cheez-its. Most pundits say that his instant chemistry with roommate Briggs has been rivaled by only that of Affleck/Damon. (As a side note, the Nadds would go on to win the 2003 IM Basketball title, without help from either Torris or Sanders.)

#3
March 6, 2000 - Colorado acquires legendary Bruins defenseman Ray Bourque for 3 bozos and a pick. Bourque anchors an Avs team that only loses 2 more times the rest of the regular season. While they ended up losing that year in the Western Finals, Bourque kept his promise the following season. He will always be known in Denver for creating the inspiring "Mission: 16W" which culminated in a Game 7 Stanley Cup Finals win over New Jersey.

#2
March 4, 1991 - The reason that deadline deals are cool. By now, you know all the names involved. Craig "The Genius" Patrick gave up three ho-hum players, and acquired: 1) a steady defensemen, 2) an all-star bonecrusher, and 3) the #4 all-time point getter in return. The Pens went from an Eastern Conference bubble team to Stanley Cup champs almost overnight. And guess what? All 3 players hung around the next year and won it again. Hossa sucks.

#1
August 3, 1943 - Struggling in both attendance and performance, the Racine Belles pull off one of history's greatest steals by sending nobody (?) to Rockford for embattled pitcher Kit Keller. This trade basically locked up the AAGPBL World Series for Racine, as Kit went on to shut down the Peaches' heavy hitters (Marla Hooch, Doris Murphy, Stillwell Angel's mom). In a season-defining moment (life-defining?), Kit hits a 9th-inning inside-the-park homerun and barrels over her older, crabbier, and overrated sister Dottie "The Queen of Diamonds" Hinson, to win the championship...Her sister!!! You never saw Ulfie annihilate his own brother for the Stanley Cup. Kit Keller=monster.....Jimmy Dugan=stunned.....The two sisters wouldn't ultimately reconcile until 1990 at the Bitch Hall of Fame (when Kit still looks hot for a great-grandma).