Pre-Season Rank #1: Steroids and Viagra™

2007 IN REVIEW: Newcomer Coach Ryan Porter did not compete in 2007 RMU Fantasy Football. We can only assume he was watching football on TV somewhere, and has some clue of what he’s talking about.

2008 OUTLOOK: Very intriguing squad. Our league’s first prescription dosage of “Steroids and Viagra™” looks like it may cause pain accompanied with some heavy suffering. Coach Porter and his 10-hole pick probably had the most even draft, picking up solid contributors at every position. Basically all his players are on the up-sides of their career, so you’d think guys like Big Ben, Boldin, Lynch, and Welker can only get better from last year. Throw in a good share of low-risk, high-reward backs (Felix Jones, J-Stew) and it could pay off even greater. The one guy standing between S&V and their playoff run is Mike Martz. Can “Mad Mike” effectively get Frank Gore the rock? If what Martz says is true, it could be a big year for this whole team. If not, Porter will be just another coach that we’ll try to replace in 2009. Just kidding. Maybe.

STRENGTHS: QB, RB, WR
WEAKNESSES: TE, Defense (Titans?!??! You kidding?)
BEST PICK: J-Stew may prove to be the best pick of the entire 7th round. And 6th.
WORST PICK: Probably reached on Graham. I predict he’ll be on the bench by Week 3.


Draft grade: A-
Coach grade: ?????
Overall: A-, until we know otherwise.


LOCK IT UP: 10-4, playoffs!


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You seem solid enough, but can we really trust you when you align yourselves with scumbags like Barack (Frank Gore) and U2's Bono (Nate Burleson)? You are Democratic Vice Presidential Nominee and Senator Joe Biden (D-De).

Pre-Season Rank #2: Cope Cabana Hmm-Hah

2007 IN REVIEW: Despite a truly monumental year, the Innovators came up short of their ultimate goal in 2007. This team re-defined the term “steal” by snagging Randy Ratio in the 5th round, and Big Ben in the 15th. Both guys combined for nearly 600 points, and went on to help the Innovators completely obliterate the old single season record for points (1630 is now 1708). However, as is the case with most mad geniuses (Einstein, Da Vinci, Therrien), Nick completely outcoached himself towards the final weeks of the season, continuously thinking with his heart over his head. The Innovators refused to start any players against the Steeler D (which was already swiss cheese by Week 13). This led to one final playoff blow, as he chose to start Kevin Jones (his longtime boyfriend) over Fred Taylor (who schooled Pittsburgh for like 150 yds and 2 TDs), and narrowly lost to the Reservoir Brownies in the NFC Championship. Coach Inno Schottenheimer’s career playoff record now stands at 0-4. Ouch.

2008 OUTLOOK: We here at RMU Fantasy Football think that The Cabanas will have a chance to turn that 0-4 record into 0-5, because we are fairly certain he’ll make the playoffs. Coach Inno smartly stacked up on skill players like Braylon, Houshyomomma, S-Jax, and Jacobs, while pumping the bench with depth, and ultimately skimping on QB (Kitna or whoever rises up the waiver wire). Moves like this are designed to give teams year-long depth, and usually do work. While Coach Inno promises everyone that his “Steeler-homer” days are over, we still notice that he drafted that shaky PIT defense. Some things never change. Expect an above average year from this squad, but not in the playoffs.

STRENGTHS: WR, RB
WEAKNESSES: QB consistency and the coach is a basketcase!
BEST PICK: May end up being Ronnie Brown if he’s still alive down the stretch.
WORST PICK: Kitna is no steal, if that’s what he’s thinking. Also Shaun Alexander was just self-indulgent. Predictably, he’s already been cut. How long ‘til Kitna joins him?


Draft grade: B+
Coach grade: B
Overall: B


LOCK IT UP: 9-5, playoffs!


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You have had some nice years, but your pitiful voting record speaks for itself. You love Heinz ketchup, but you are a flip-flopper when it comes to the REAL issues (like playoff lineups). You had your one chance at the Big Seat, but it ain't ever coming back. Some people say you can’t even throw a football. You are disgraced Democratic Senator John Kerry (D-Ma). Why the long face?

Pre-Season Rank #3: High Heels & Helmets

2007 IN REVIEW: I’m reminded of the 1993 Penguins who had an awesome old logo and inexplicably butchered it, in favor of the “pigeon” side-profile. People were furious, and I still think many are (except me, I love the pigeon). The following year, they could’ve easily won the Cup, but went home empty-handed. Most people blamed the branding. I liken this phenomenon to Amy’s 2007 team. Apparently, Kotula Marketing Inc. thought it would be super-cool to scrap a great, original name like “High Heels & Helmets” to go to the edgier “Gridiron Maidens.” I mean, you could smell disaster from the start. And it happened in the first month, when #2 overall pick Stephen Jackson incurred a freak foot injury, and Marvin hurt his knee. Both lingered all year. By the end of the season, this hopeless bunch was trotting out Kellen Clemens and DeShaun Foster. Overall, 2007 was a forgettable season, like most of the ‘80’s Steeler campaigns.

2008 OUTLOOK: First thoughts? It’s about time they go back to the HHH. Ask the Pens what happened when they went back with the good logo. Second thoughts? Really, not a bad squad. Here’s a good example of pairing basic productivity (Addai, Wayne, Jamal) with some flashy upside (Parker, Cotchery, Crayton). Personally, this Commish feels that Parker will have a bounce-back season. Afterall, minus a freak turf injury, he was the NFL’s leading rusher last year. While Mendenhall is dropping more balls than Bupka on a Friday night sugar-bender, Fast Willie will see some end zone carries. Third thoughts? Like Danica Patrick, Coach A. Reilly had a lot of breakout hype when she entered the league 2 years ago, but has been stuck amongst the middle-pack. Are you ready to write her off yet? With the #3 rank, I guess I’m not.

STRENGTHS: RB, defense
WEAKNESSES: Depth, QB ? Is Palmer going to last on that sinking ship?
BEST PICK: Big D will pay dividends all year long. I like their defense, and also the Crayton pick. He’s a fiery ball of upside.
WORST PICK: Gates and his big toe were a risky pick in the 5th round, especially when good WRs and RBs were still available. Ahman Green / Reggie Brown = wastes of picks


Draft grade: B+
Coach grade: C
Overall: B


LOCK IT UP: 9-5, playoffs!


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You are a good dresser, an eloquent speaker, and you love the Olympics. For some reason, the liberal media doesn't love you back. You've had chances to prove yourself, but we still haven’t taken notice. You are Morman Governor Mitt Romney (R-Ma).

Pre-Season Rank #4: C HAMPTON NT 6-1 325

2007 IN REVIEW: Last year brought a hopelessly boring and mediocre season for the veteran Briggs. The Hemera’s Haters got solid production out of their QB and receivers, but sorely lacked any type of RB contribution whatsoever. When their captain Fast Willie was lost to injury, this team packed it in, losing 4 out of their final 6 to finish at .500. Now that we think about it, that’s been this franchise’s story for the past 5 seasons, with finishes of 8th, 5th, 6th, 6th, 6th. Blah. Certainly the star has dimmed quite substantially for Coach J.M. Briggs.

2008 OUTLOOK: There may be hope for a turnaround. In August, the C-Hamps won rights to the #1 overall lottery pick and suddenly found a rock solid core with LaDainian (think the old shitty Penguins winning the Crosby lottery). Don’t forget, LT is technically a reigning back-to-back champion in our league, as he was a member of the ’06 champion Straps and ’07 champion Guns. The C-Hamps are fairly top heavy, with LT, Romo, Burress, (Jade man crush), Witten and little else, but some project rushers like Mendenhall and Julius Jones could round these guys out if they develop.

STRENGTHS: The Franchise LT (when he’s not pouting)
WEAKNESSES: Depth, WRs, will always have to live knowing Sanders was his Best Man
BEST PICK: Obviously LT, but this commish likes the guts to take MINNY defense when they needed it
WORST PICK: Jake “Tommy John” Delhomme. Yuck.


Draft grade: B
Coach grade: C-
Overall: B-


LOCK IT UP: 8-6, playoffs!


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You were given the keys to the #1 position, even though you probably didn't deserve it. Your campaigns are boring, yet you stand for all the right things. You have limited movement in your arm (thumb) due to a combat injury in North Vietnam (The Matrix). You are THE MAVERICK, Republican Presidential Nominee John S. McCain (R-Az).

Pre-Season Rank #5: HEY HOLMES

2007 IN REVIEW: While Coach Bupka had one of the dumbest team names in recent fantasy sports history, his team was actually pretty decent….until November came. The “Abombs From ARod” trotted into Thanksgiving with a #1 power rank and 7-3 record, seemingly locking up any playoff spot……BUT then turned around and COMPLETELY TANKED in the final month, going 0-3-1 and missing the playoffs. This streak included losses to the miserable franchises owned by Mike Mike and Joe Yee. Some folks at NFL Network said this was football’s version of Greg Norman choking at the Masters, or the Nadds choking in intramural softball playoffs. We here at RMU Fantasy Football always talk about the difference between good drafting vs. good managing. Guess which one Bupka sucks at.

2008 OUTLOOK: The Good News: The Bupkas arguably had the best draft in the league. At worst, he had the 2nd best draft. Nobody can deny the value picks were all over the place with Brees, Run DMC, and Ricky. Not to mention he probably has the 1st or 2nd best stable of receivers in TO, Colston, and Jennings. Barber and Heath can be touchdown machines on Any Given Sunday. The Bad News: See above. See last year. See the last several years. The problem here is not Bupka’s knowledge of the game; rather, it’s his management. How many times have we sat here and said what a good draft he had, only to watch those picks get wasted on 6-8 team? The challenge for this year’s squad is to stay involved and stay smart. There’s no reason he can’t improve his 2007 record. Just look how much he improved upon his 2007 name….no….wait…..its still terrible.

STRENGTHS: WRs, QB
WEAKNESSES: Coaching commitment, diabetes
BEST PICK: McFadden was perfectly taken at the right spot, and given the circumstances, could play like a 2nd or 3rd round pick.
WORST PICK: Eli is a terrible fantasy player, even during Super Bowl years. Tons of good players were left and he already had Brees. Bad move.


Draft grade: B+
Coach grade: C-
Overall: B-


LOCK IT UP: 8-6


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You talk a big game, but constantly get out-hustled and screwed over by everyone else. The Right thinks you suck, and well...so does The Left. Even though former President Clinton proved himself to be a scumbag, you still love him. You also love pantsuits, taxes, and stupid nicknames like "Hill-Rod". You are Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-Ny).

Pre-Season Rank #6: TOMMY GUNS

2007 IN REVIEW: Glory. Guts. Heart. Dynasty. That was the story of the 2007 TOMMY GUNS. America’s Sweethearts were able to transform a hideous 4-6-1 midseason record into a thrilling 5-game winning streak straight through a glorious RMU BOWL VI. Peter King of SI.com wrote that the TOMMY GUNS amazing streak rivals only the 2005 Steelers as best title run in sports history. Led by the 1-2 punch of LT and Romo, the Guns were on a date with destiny, and continued their amazing trend of winning EVERY ODD-NUMBERED YEAR in this league’s existence (2003, 2005, 2007). No other team could take shit and spin in it into gold quite like your TOMMY GUNS.

2008 OUTLOOK: Some peculiar things going on in Gunsville. First let’s throw out the intangibles – this guy can’t get it done during even-numbered seasons. It’s just a fact. Second, TMZ.com confirms that Coach Flo got engaged during the offseason, and has been slacking in the fantasy department ever since. Very uncharacteristic. Third, we look at his team and we say…ehh….it’s OK. This team loaded up on wideouts (best trio in the league) and rookie backs (KSmith, Rice, Slaton, CJohnson), but his starting RBs are hugely risky (LJ, Maroney, Perry…yikes) and his QB Jay Cutler is largely unproven. Now, there’s a chance that some of these risks could pan out, and we’d have a stud team on our hands. But more realistically, they will be scrapping for productivity. We can’t doubt the coaching ability. It’s been proven. But he doesn’t have much to work with. Can we have our first ever successful RMU League title defense? Unlikely.

STRENGTHS: Potential. Potential. Potential.
WEAKNESSES: Questions. Questions. Questions. Who wants to go to a wedding?
BEST PICK: We keep hearing great things about Kev Smith from Detroit. The kid could be legit, and it would be highway robbery since he was taken in the 67th overall. Cutler is also due.
WORST PICK: Grabbing Moss in the 1st round set the tone. Brandon Funston and Matthew Perry both shit themselves when they saw that pick.


Draft grade: C+
Coach grade: A
Overall: B-


LOCK IT UP: 8-6


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You showcase a lot of swagger, and can back it up with decisive action and solid policies. Even though your moves are often unpopular, you know they are right. You are the Decidor. You are the Commander in Chief. As an added bonus, you also hate brown people. You are The 43rd President of the United States of America, George W. Bush.

Pre-Season Rank #7: Straps of the Jock

2007 IN REVIEW: If you can go somewhere and watch a DVD of the 2007 Patriots, you’ll get a the idea of what kind of year it was for the 2007 Straps. Their regular season accomplishments were epic. A league-record 11 wins. A league-record 5 Heineken Awards (most weekly points). Methodical. Systematic. Steamrolling. Tom Brady. Brian Westy. Reggie Wayne. Brandon Marshall. Ryan Grant! His average margin for victory was something ridiculous like 35 points per week. And then came the playoffs. Yes, Tom Terrific played in a blizzard. Yes, Rudi Johnson had 8 freaking yards. Yes, Brian Westbrook physically stopped running and SAT DOWN on the goal line. And just like that, all was lost. You play to win the game…and the trophy. So…just like the Patriots, 2007 will always be considered a failure for the Straps. And you better believe Bunga’s boys have been stinging for the past 8 months.

2008 OUTLOOK: I’d like to say I believe in the Straps management, as their rings, trophies, and records speak for themselves. But I am completely puzzled by their draft. Coach Bunga goes into the season with so many question marks, that Batman showed up at his house the other night expecting to find The Riddler. Marvin Harrison? Murderer (and hurt). Chad Ocho Faggo? Whiner (and hurt). Brett Favre? OVERRATED (and old). Michael Turner? No holes to run through. And if that didn’t make you feel comfortable, Coach Bunga completely scrapped all rationality, and drafted FIVE Jaguars! With all his eggs in one lame-o basket, if the Jags have a shitty year, so will the Straps. Not a very diverse portfolio, Bunga, and not a very good team. I’ve never seen a coach tumble so much in 60 minutes time. Like I said before…puzzling.

STRENGTHS: We forgot to mention he did draft All Day Peterson. Solid.
WEAKNESSES: QB, WR, a 30-year mortgage
BEST PICK: Maybe Robert Meachem. Wow. All I see are Jags.
WORST PICK: Who else has lot of blind faith in Turner…………?


Draft grade: C
Coach grade: A
Overall: C+


LOCK IT UP: 7-7


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You are a classic leader and a legend. You have defeated evil on many occasions, and your legacy is unstained. Even your wife is timeless. Though you still make some amazing appearances here and there, everyone knows your better years are behind you. You are President #41 George H.W. Bush.

Pre-Season Rank #8: Reservoir Brownies

2007 IN REVIEW: Another season, another heartbreak for the Reservoir Brownies. The winningest franchise in league history was back at it again in ‘07, laughing at the commish’s ugly prognosis, winning 8 more games, and ultimately getting back into the playoffs. They shocked the world by beating the heavily favored Innovators in Round 1, and went back to their 2nd RMU BOWL in a row. Unfortunately, the TOMMY GUNS did the same thing in 2007 that the Straps did in 2006 – shatter the brown man’s dreams. We remember sitting in this same chair last year saying the same thing: How can anyone expect a team to rebound after being oh-so-close ?

2008 OUTLOOK: If you’re looking for the commish to change his tune, look elsewhere. This team STINKS. I don’t know how it keeps happening, but Coach Brown knows how to win. And we can’t figure it out. For years, they have relied on Peyton, and this year is no different. But Manning is in his 10th year, and he actually did start to slow down last year. After Manning, who else carries this load? They have no stud WR whatsoever, and shaky CPortis leads their rushing group. Nobody on that bench is worth the kilobytes it takes to print their names. But worst of all, they drafted -- and plan on starting --- Atlanta BACKUP running back Jerious Norwood. This team will be lucky to win the 4 games we are predicting. Yes, this is officially the end of the line for the once-proud Reservoir Brownies. Write. That. Down!

STRENGTHS: QB, leadership, fucking resilience
WEAKNESSES: WRs, Bench,
BEST PICK: Probably Steve Smith (4th Rnd)…the guy was a damn Top 15 pick for the last 3 seasons.
WORST PICK: Start at Round #7 and work your way down. I dare you not to puke.


Draft grade: D
Coach grade: B
Overall: C


LOCK IT UP: 4-10


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You constantly defy the odds and have essentially re-written the boundaries of the American Dream. Even though the media hates you, you still manage to turn around and spit in their face. You have nice legs and love Alaskan oil. You are the next big thing if the stars align. You are Republican Vice Presidential nominee and Governor Sarah Palin (R-Ak).

Pre-Season Rank: #9 SIXTH RING SEEKERS

2007 IN REVIEW: Newcomer Coach Jason Berzansky did not compete in 2007 RMU Fantasy Football. We can only assume he was watching football on TV somewhere, and has some clue of what he’s talking about.

2008 OUTLOOK: The Ring Seekers enter this fine establishment as part of the 2008 RMU Youth Movement. So please allow me to introduce them as one of the trendy picks this year. The Seekers were allowed in this league as an expansion team, based off some amazing recommendations. We expect they’ll compete with the rest of the established franchises in this league. I’m thinking….maybe like the Texans. Win a couple. Lose a lot.

So let me start by saying I don’t think their starting lineup is all that bad. Brady was known to win games all by himself last year. That was a solid pick at #4. Toss in a few points from Ryan Grant, Larry Fitz, and Old Man Edge, and they may be able to grab more than their fair share of wins. K2 talks a lot and actually does put up points. But in this league --- I’ve said it for 7 years now --- depth is key. This team has absolutely none. I look at that miserable Seekers bench, and can’t find one guy who I think will support their playoff bid. What does anyone need with 2 TEs and 2 defenses….I’ll never figure it out.

STRENGTHS: The Golden Boy Brady
WEAKNESSES: Consistent RB stable, Depth
BEST PICK: The Golden Boy Brady……nice touch NOT trading that pick
WORST PICK: Derek Mason and Kevin Curtis = WORTHLESS…..and I’m being nice.


Draft grade: C-
Coach grade: ?????
Overall: C-


LOCK IT UP: 4-10


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You are soooooo totally awesome that you've already written TWO life memoirs, yet you have ZERO experience. You are a celebrity, but we really don't know why, or who you even are. You want the top seat, so come get it. That's change you can believe in. You are Senator Barry Hussein Obama (D-Il.).

Pre-Season Rank: #10 JoePa's Inmates

2007 IN REVIEW: Coach Scooter has been on league hiatus since his 2004 campaign, in which he rattled off a league-record 9 straight wins, before falling in RMU BOWL III to the Straps of the Jock. Since then, his reputation has only grown.

2008 OUTLOOK: Wow. We all expected more. There’s no mincing words here – these guys look absolutely horrible on paper. Westbrook stirs this drink, there’s no doubt….but that’s it. Andre Johnson usually follows up a stunning season with a crapper. Guys like Galloway, McGahee, Clark, Bulger, and the G-MEN are all on the decline. Most of us have learned the hard way about McNabb. He’ll either be a disaster, or be stupendous for 6 weeks until vacationing on the IR for 3 months. The Inmates also drafted Kevin Jones. Is he still alive? Is he a 4th-string BEARS running back? Yuck. I don’t want to say much else, but this is the same manager that once went 0-7 before turning it around and rattling off a 9-0 streak. We’ll watch this one closely. Actually, nobody will.

STRENGTHS: W-E-S-T-B-R-O-O-K better do it all.
WEAKNESSES: Everything!
BEST PICK: Brandon Marshall could be a steal. Who cares if he doesn’t play for the first few weeks.
WORST PICK: Is he really starting Mark Clayton?


Draft grade: D-
Coach grade: B
Overall: C-


LOCK IT UP: 3-11


YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS……
You live in California, and you are the man. You probably still suck at fantasy football. You are Gov. Arnold Schwarzengger (R-Ca).

DRAFT NIGHT '08: C-Hamp Takes a Sure Thing

CORAOPOLIS, PA (AP) - Last week, general managers from across this great nation gathered for the 7th straight year to scout, negotiate, booze, and ultimately select this season's crop of talent. After a 10-day draft lottery, the team C HAMPTON NT 6-1 325 won the rights to select the hallowed #1 pick. Even though there was some last-minute (and hilarious) trade chatter, owner JM Briggs chose to stick with the top spot. Why was this important? Well, the trophy always seems to be traced back to the #1 spot on draft night. Afterall, don't forget that somebody named LaDainian Tomlinson (#1 overall) helped the Straps win in 2006. And then somebody named LaDainian Tomlinson (#1 overall) helped the Tommy Guns taste glory in 2007.

So.....who do you think the C-HAMPS selected at #1???????



A SURE THING


(Pictured (from Left): El Commish, LaDainian Tomlinson, J.M. Briggs)