Welcome to the official start of CRUNCH TIME 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My friends, we started this journey 10 weeks ago, and for some, the end is already here. For others, the end is merely a few days away. Sadly, only 4 teams will squeak into the playoffs. Ain't it funny how the same coaches are in this same position time after time after time after time after time after time???? To the surprise of abs-o-lutely nobody, this league's two flagships are streaking at just the right point in the season. The rest of you are suspect. Not naming any names:
Oh, did the Nation's #1 seed just get upset? Damn straight they did. See ya later, goal post.
Now onto the playoff breakdown:
THE 9-3 DIVISION -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. TOMMY GUNS - Clinched playoff berth. A win this weekend guarantees a home playoff game. Currently owns point tie-breakers on everyone in the land.
2. STEROIDS & VIAGRA - Clinched playoff berth. A win this weekend guarantees a home playoff game. Week 14 vs TOMMY GUNS could be huge for seeding purposes, and an RMU BOWL VII preview....
THE 7-5 DIVISION -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. HEY HOLMES - What looked pretty dim on Monday morning turned into gold on Monday night. Brees is leading this team right now, BUT they have the hardest remaining schedule in the league (Guns/Brownies a combined 15-9). If they split, their high point totals will probably get them in. Losing two would be absolute disaster, and we've seen it from Bupka before......
4. STRAPS OF THE JOCK - Nobody wants to play these boys right now. Averaging 130 pts/week over their last 4, this legendary franchise has become relevant yet again. Not to mention they just stuck it to the Nation's #1-seed, S&V. Huge statement. Splitting their remaining two probably gets them in.............and.........a heaven-sent Week 14 matchup vs. The HEELS pretty much guarantees this will happen.
THE 6-6 DIVISION -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. RESERVOIR BROWNIES - Needs Holmes/Straps to lose at least 1 game. Probably has the most meaningful final 2 games because they can knock out 2 competitors (Holmes/Cabanas) while helping themselves. They have been to the past 2 RMU BOWLS, but they haven't scored triple digits since Week 8.
6. C-HAMPS - Needs Holmes/Straps to lose at least 1 game. Ice cold right now....0-4 plus a "gimme" win over HHH....ice cold.....but it can all change this weekend with a HUGE HUGE HUGE matchup vs Bunga. A win over the Straps knocks him down into a 7-6 tie, and sets up an "anything goes" final week. If C-Hamps can get to 7-6 in Week 14 vs. the lousy Seekers, they've got a 50/50 shot at sneaking back in. A loss this weekend spells doom.
7. COPES CABANAS - Needs Holmes/Straps to lose at least 1 game. Cope is the low man on the totem pole in terms of points, but has the league's easiest schedule the rest of the way (Brownies and Inmates are 8-16 combined). Either needs to win out, or start scoring in bunches. Or both. A loss this weekend to Saad is fatal.
THE REST -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HHH, INMATES, and SEEKERS. Your Season = Terminated. Tee times are now available.
As you should know by now, NOVEMEBER 14, 2008 is the last day to swap players. And pardon me, people, but frankly it's been a shitty year for trades in our infamous RMU LEAGUE. Here's the count: one legit deal, two controversies, and one kicker/defense trade so far! Wow. Don't go blaming the economy, Obama's foreign policy, or surgery either! Time to look in the mirror. Who wants to step up and be the Craig Patrick this year? Who will make the ballsy deadline move for Hossa or Jason Kidd?
From our pal, ESPN's Chris Mortensen, here is the official RMU LEAGUE VII Guide to getting shit done:
STEROIDS AND VIAGRA (8-2) NEEDS: Receiving corps, maybe a QB????? HAS TO OFFER: Young Gun RB's
TOMMY GUNS (7-3) NEEDS: A solid #1 or #2 RB option HAS TO OFFER: Four talented wideouts, Larry Johnson
HEY HOLMES (6-4) NEEDS: Not much. A tight end? Consistency? HAS TO OFFER: Boatloads of good wideouts
RESERVOIR BROWNIES (5-5) NEEDS: Some healthy running legs until Bush and Portis get healthy HAS TO OFFER: Manning and Steve Smith fetch a pretty price and can be easily replaced on this squad...
STRAPS OF THE JOCK (5-5) NEEDS: Wideouts, Wideouts, Widetous, and more Wideouts HAS TO OFFER: A couple decent backs, Tony Gonzo, and Favre
C HAMPTON NT 6-1 325 (5-5) NEEDS: Better all-around starters....WR/RB HAS TO OFFER: Youth and LT. Time to move the LaDain Train before his value hits 0.
COPE CABANA HMM-HAH (5-5) NEEDS: A god damn QB! No leadership translates to mediocre record (including 3 straight L's) HAS TO OFFER: Solid RB's and WRs. He benches good players each week.
6TH RING SEEKERS (4-6) NEEDS: A 3rd RB option and some luck. HAS TO OFFER: QB!!! Warner and Rivers are both in the Top 5. Why sit one every week??
HIGH HEELS & HELMETS (3-7) NEEDS: Needs to shoot Addai. This team is woeful in the RB department. HAS TO OFFER: Aaron Rodgers should be moved for backs. Campbell is productive!
JOEPA'S INMATES (2-8) NEEDS: A punch in the face. HAS TO OFFER: Limas Sweed! Two good kickers. Yikes.
TOP 5 DEADLINE DEALS OF ALL-TIME
#5 July 28, 1995 - Toronto Blue Jays deal (a.k.a. sell) David Cone to the Bronx Bombers for 3 minor leaguers. Cone helped the Yanks to the ALCS that year, only to fall to Seattle. Five years later, those 3 bums still hadn't cracked a major league roster, and Cone was busy polishing his FOUR world series rings.
#4 March 31, 2001 - Facing an ugly locker room situation in E54, the Nadds beat the Res-Life deadline and swapped Christopher M. Sanders for Nick Torris (and future considerations). Sanders went on to lead the league in skipped classes, ugly curtains, and Cheez-its. Most pundits say that his instant chemistry with roommate Briggs has been rivaled by only that of Affleck/Damon. (As a side note, the Nadds would go on to win the 2003 IM Basketball title, without help from either Torris or Sanders.)
#3 March 6, 2000 - Colorado acquires legendary Bruins defenseman Ray Bourque for 3 bozos and a pick. Bourque anchors an Avs team that only loses 2 more times the rest of the regular season. While they ended up losing that year in the Western Finals, Bourque kept his promise the following season. He will always be known in Denver for creating the inspiring "Mission: 16W" which culminated in a Game 7 Stanley Cup Finals win over New Jersey.
#2 March 4, 1991 - The reason that deadline deals are cool. By now, you know all the names involved. Craig "The Genius" Patrick gave up three ho-hum players, and acquired: 1) a steady defensemen, 2) an all-star bonecrusher, and 3) the #4 all-time point getter in return. The Pens went from an Eastern Conference bubble team to Stanley Cup champs almost overnight. And guess what? All 3 players hung around the next year and won it again. Hossa sucks.
#1 August 3, 1943 - Struggling in both attendance and performance, the Racine Belles pull off one of history's greatest steals by sending nobody (?) to Rockford for embattled pitcher Kit Keller. This trade basically locked up the AAGPBL World Series for Racine, as Kit went on to shut down the Peaches' heavy hitters (Marla Hooch, Doris Murphy, Stillwell Angel's mom). In a season-defining moment (life-defining?), Kit hits a 9th-inning inside-the-park homerun and barrels over her older, crabbier, and overrated sister Dottie "The Queen of Diamonds" Hinson, to win the championship...Her sister!!! You never saw Ulfie annihilate his own brother for the Stanley Cup. Kit Keller=monster.....Jimmy Dugan=stunned.....The two sisters wouldn't ultimately reconcile until 1990 at the Bitch Hall of Fame (when Kit still looks hot for a great-grandma).
Welcome to the RMU Season #7 Halftime Show! For the past 2 months, you've been campaigning out there -- researching, drafting, setting lineups, offering trades, and cutting pork barrel spending. And while the liberal mainstream media continues to tell you that the TOMMY GUNS and Straps of the Jock are ahead in the polls, we here at the Commish's Office invite you into the "No Spin Zone" where we tell you the truth. Fair and Balanced. Enjoy....
1. STEROIDS AND VIAGRA (5-2) - I dare anyone to dispute the notion that this team has the strongest lineup in the league right now. Best record. Highest point total. Consistent scoring across the board. But I will dispute -- or at least question -- whether or not they will still be #1 by Thanksgiving. Is Harvey "Two Face" Boldin a goner? Will Big Ben survive the remaining 7 weeks, let alone this weekend? Are those really his receivers? If ROOKIE Coach Porter isn't careful, the wheels could come off at any point.
2. C HAMPTON NT 6-1 325 (5-2) - GOOD NEWS: Coach Briggs is managing brilliantly right now. No Romo? No problem. Addai goes down? Grab Rhodes and reap the benefits. After starting 0-2, these boys have rattled off 5 straight wins. In this "Logjam League" of ours, stock-piling early wins is the key to the playoff doorstep. BAD NEWS: It should be worth noting that their losses came to the #1 and #3 seeds. It's also worth noting that, historically, the 2nd half hasn't been kind to Coach Briggs (16-23-1).
3. HEY HOLMES (4-3) - Like his favorite team the Dallas Cowboys, Hey Holmes is a flat-out touchdown farm. If all their guys catch fire at the same time, this team will be IMPOSSIBLE to stop. Like Dallas, their only problem is that the lineup is inconsistent. While they probably have more firepower than the C-Hamps and S&V put together, they are already losing to lesser teams (see: Guns, Seekers). Are his players making it rain at strip clubs? Are they out partying with Eli Manning? We are still at an early stage of the season, but this team needs to figure out if its elite or on the bubble. Like Dallas, we hear Jerry Jones has Coach Bupka on the Hot Seat already.
4. COPE CABANA HMM-HAH (4-3) - On paper they look better than 4-3. But I think the Cabanas should be content to be here through the first 2 months. Even though they've trotted out bozos like Orton, O'Sullivan, Kitna, and now Brad Johnson (!!!!) their QB play has actually been pretty solid. It's the skill positions that have been streaky. Slow starts from SJax, Braylon, TJ Whosyomomma, and even BJake have plagued this team. However, it looks like all 4 of those guys have started to turn it around, which could be good news for the Cabanas. Watch over the next month as Coach Inno tries like hell to out-coach himself.
5. TOMMY GUNS (4-3) - Some experts are calling last week's thorough thrashing of the Straps a "statement game." Hovering around mediocrity for the first month, the TOMMY GUNS went into Stadium of the Jock as underdogs, and opened a 59-point Can of Asswhoopin' on Coach Bunga. The GUNS are still gelling as a unit, and our friends Santonio Stoner and Baby LJ have certainly not helped the cause. Since this team has NEVER missed the playoffs, we'll never count them out, but they probably need to pull off a trade (or two) if they want to get serious.
6. RESERVOIR BROWNIES (3-4) - After storming out to a 3-0 record, then subsequently losing each week for the past month, one thing is obvious: this team needs work. While Portis has carried the load, Peyton has been iffy and now Bush is hurt. Over the past 6 full seasons, the arrogant Brownies have averaged a measly 8 moves PER YEAR (By comparison, I think Coach Porter had 8 on Draft Day). In the old days with studly Manning, the Brownies established a superior legacy. Now with a few of their stars fading like Chris Sanders' hairline, its unclear whether they can stop the bleeding and get back to the promised land.
7. 6TH RING SEEKERS (3-4) - This is perhaps the most perplexing team of all. First off, kudos to being 3-4, despite a devastating QB loss 19 minutes into the season. This should be a lesson to all future drafters - while taking Brady was a sure-fire #1, they have still thrived with late-round QB's Rivers (Rank #4) and Warner (Rank #18). Like the Browns, we hear Coach Jay was not too happy about Winslow's "testy" staph infection. K2 may not see this starting lineup until December. And while they've only scored 100+ one time in 2 months, I still see them hanging around like a bad dingleberry.
8. STRAPS OF THE JOCK (3-4) - It's getting a little late for some of that usual Straps Magic. They have such a studly core with The Burner, All-Day, and Mojo...but little else. If there was ever a team that needed their WR's to come to life (like that awesome 80's movie Manaquin), it's these guys. I really think Joe the Plumber could suit up as WR2 for the Straps. Also as we pointed out in the Pre-Season Rankings, The Jacksonville Experiment was a hideous hideous hideous idea, and it has proved to be a supreme failure. Of the 5 drafted, only 1.5 remain (Mojo and Fragile Freddy). Did I mention he put up 43 points in a Week 5 "showdown" with his wife?????
9. HIGH HEELS & HELMETS (3-4) - You'd think HHH would be better than 3-4, especially after they hit the Rodgers lottery in Week 2. But a team that looked flashy in pre-season just looks dull now. Their main rushing threat is Jamal "Prison Bitch" Lewis. While studs Parker/Addai have been hurt, they've done a remarkable job in starting complete stiffs in their place --- which I believe separates HHH from the contenders. All teams deal with injuries and busts - but the good coaches now how to effectively fill the gaps. HHH is still searching, as time continues to run out.
10. JOEPA'S INMATES (1-6) - JoePa's Inmates? Looking more like Joe Yee's Inmates. This team is terrible from top to bottom. Minus Westy, their whole lineup smells like waivers. The best example of the Inmates incompetence was evidenced last week, when they started D.McNabb --- who was sitting in a Philly hottub on bye week! Unacceptable. We won't even mention the controversial McFadden trade in Week 3. But piecing together an Arena League lineup is not the way to win, or even show pride. Since week 2, they haven't seen 70 POINTS. Even Pimpjuice would laugh at that. Allow me to pronounce their season OVER.
OUR PITIFUL MATCHUP VOTING RECORDS (...and you thought Obama's voting record was bad....WAKE UP PEOPLE!...you better not vote like this on Nov. 4)
1. JoePa's Inmates 3-2 (.600) 2. TOMMY GUNS 16-15 (.516) 3. Cope Cabana Hmm-Hah 6-7 (.462) 4. High Heels & Helmets 4-5 (.444) 5. Reservoir Brownies 2-3 (.400) 6. Steroids & Viagra 5-9 (.357) 7. Straps of the Jock 1-4 (.200) 8. Hey Holmes 0-1 (.000) 9. 6th Ring Seekers 0-3 (.000) 10. C HAMPTON NT 6-1 325 0-4 (.000)
YAHOO TOP 10 RANKED PLAYERS (as of today)
1. RB Clinton Portis (Brownies) 2. RB Marion Barber III (Holmes) 3. QB Aaron Rodgers (HHH) 4. QB Philip Rivers (Seekers) 5. QB Drew Brees (Holmes) 6. RB Frank Gore (S&V) 7. RB Reggie Bush (Brownies) 8. RB Matt Forte (Cabanas) 9. QB Jay Cutler (GUNS) 10. RB Adrian Peterson (Straps)
In closing, let’s get some trades going. That's the only way to break this socialistic logjam. Remember, the deadline is only a few weeks away.
-COMMISHIONAIRRE
p.s. If you suck, don't give up hope. Remember, the bigger you are, the harder you fall:
Since your Royal Commissioner's Office has already let you degenerates go SEVEN regular season weeks without paying, it's time to address league dues directly. So here's how it will go:
If you pay by Dec 1 (Week 13): $25.00 If you pay after Dec 1 (Week 13): $35.00
Checks are preferable, and don't give me the "I'll buy you 3 beers and we'll call it even" shit. The commish sucks at accounting, and he has never hired an accountant. So don't be difficult! If you need the office address, contact us directly.
CURRENTLY UNPAID FRANCHISES (in alphabetical order): -6th Ring Seekers -Cope's Cabana Hmm-Hah -Hey Holmes -High Heels & Helmets -JoePa's Inmates -Steroids and Viagra -Straps of the Jock
PAYOUTS: 1. Regular Season Champ: $25.00 2. RMU BOWL VII loser: $25.00 3. RMU BOWL VII champ: $200.00 + any additional cash collected + Trophy Engravement + Trophy Ownership for 1 year + Overall Reverance and Respect
Overheard this morning on The Dan Patrick Show, via the affiliate WKJK 1080 in Lousville, KY...
"Just wanted to let you know that you kicked out a star in your league.
I am 6-1 with the best record and highest point totals out of 12 teams...my team is unstoppable. I have won highest point totals for 3 weeks in a row for $49 payout each.
Hopefully, when I win the super bowl in this league, you will reconsider my reinstatement back into the E5 annual league."
4 games in the book. 10 teams still alive (technically). While 2 squads have played SLIGHTLY better than the rest, there are a whopping 6 teams currently logjammed at 2-2. It's still early and not everything has sorted itself out yet, so we won't make any bold, over-the-top predictions (like Mike&Mike do EVERY DAY). However, it should be worth noting that this season is shaping up to be the most competitive season in league history. Every win will count. See...? I told you throwing out the Pimpjuices was smart. Let's get the boring part out of the way:
USA TODAY TOP 10 POLL 1. Steroids and Viagra (9) 2. C Hampton NT 6-1 325 (1) 3. Hey Holmes 4. Reservoir Brownies 5. Straps of the Jock 6. Cope Cabana Hmm-Hah 7. TOMMY GUNS 8. JoePa's Inmates 9. 6th Ring Seekers 10. High Heels & Helmets
BEST TEAM NAMES
1. Reservoir Brownies - Simply, the winningest franchise in history. Classic name. Also, solid pun. 2. High Heels & Helmets - To me, this is as good as it gets. Creativity. Personal expression. Awesome nickname (HHH a.k.a The Game....I still love the Pedigree). If only they were associated with winning. 3. TOMMY GUNS - Somewhere, Thomas Maddox just birdied a hole and fucked your mother. 4. Straps of the Jock - Timeless name. One of the most respected franchises in league history for a reason. 5. JoePa's Inmates - Solid team name and funny because JoePa is senile. 6. 6th Ring Seekers - I like saying "The Seekers". It sounds like a good movie. And the name reminds you how awesome the Steelers can be. Just not the 2008 Steelers. 7. Steroids and Viagra - I hated it at first, but I'm warming up to them as they keep winning. Could be the next big franchise. Has a reputation for choking, though (Go Team Europe). 8. Cope Cabana Hmm-Hah - Pretty silly, but he gets sentimental points for honoring a legend. Wouldn't something like "The Double Yois" or "The Okel-Dokels" have been better? I miss Cope. Tunch and Wolfley should be kicked in the nuts every time they say "Habeus Grabbus" in reference to holding. And my brother told me Hilgrove is a drunk. I buy that. Why do the wrong people always die? 9. Hey Holmes - Usual bottom-feeder spot on this list for Team Bupka, right up there with stinkers like "A-bomb from A-ROD" , "LEVCIKtoDORSETT" , and "Peyton Marinos". If we made an all-time list, all 7 of his names would be near the end. At least this year's name refers to a Steeler. 10. C Hampton NT 6-1 325 - Just pitiful. I hate saying it. I hate seeing it. And #98 is fat, lazy, and injured. Bad marks all across the board.
FASHION POLICE -- TEAM LOGOS POWER LIST
1. TOMMY GUNS......For those of you who tasted the tragically short-lived "TOMMY GUNS FLAKES" cereal, you know what I'm talking about. 2. 6th Ring Seekers......Jay I've seen your garage, so I'm not surprised with this. Awesome job. 3. Reservoir Brownies......GIVE THEM NOTHING! BUT TAKE FROM THEM.....EVVVVERYTHING! 4. Straps of the Jock......Lame Yahoo Avatar, but this is #4 because it actually resembles Bunga on Friday nights, circa 2002. 5. Steroids and Viagra......A blank box. Very artsy. Very minimalist. Very....lame. 6. High Heels & Helmets......Another eerily similar lame Yahoo Avatar. We expect better. 7. C Hampton NT 6-1 325......This is what I imagined Pimpjuice's logo would look like. 8. JoePa's Inmates......Booooh helmets suck. Nice stripe. 9. Cope Cabana Hmm-Hah......Booooh helmets suck. 10. Hey Holmes......Booooh helmets suck.
YAHOO TOP 10 RANKED PLAYERS (as of today)
1. RB Michael Turner (Straps) 2. QB Jay Cutler (GUNS) 3. RB Frank Gore (S&V) 4. QB Philip Rivers (Seekers) 5. RB Marion Barber III (Holmes) 6. QB Drew Brees (Holmes) 7. WR Anquan "Faceplant" Boldin (Seekers) 8. QB Brett Favre (Straps) 9. RB Reggie Bush (Brownies) 10. WR Santana Moss (Brownies)
GAME OF THE WEEK
When I sat down this week, put on my Ron "Jaws" Jaworski girly glasses, and started analyzing game film, I realized we have not one, but THREE Games Of The Week. Too many rivalries to ignore here. And like we said before, it this LOGJAM league, even the games in Week 5 are going to matter. So here you have it:
STRAPS OF THE JOCK (2-2) at HIGH HEELS & HELMETS (1-3) A tough match here. After brokering a controversial trade that sent C. Buckhalter to hated HHH, the Straps had better hope that it doesn't come back to bite them in the ass this week (and at last glance, Westbrook still looks gimpy to me). The big question will be: Where will Manning spread the ball on that awful Texans defense? Will it be to Old Reliable Marvin (Straps)? Or the actually productive players like Wayne, Gonzo, and Addai (HHH)? For Bunga, the Burner is on the road, and Schaub is a sub-par replacement for Favre. For HHH, the Dallas defense gets woeful Cincy and Ryan Fitzpatrick. If All Day doesnt have one of his 200 yard feasts (could happen in N.O.), I am calling for the HHH upset, and a stop to the 4 weeks of blood that they've spilt.
RESERVOIR BROWNIES (3-1) at HEY HOLMES (2-2) Like when 2 ex-es are forced to hang out at their high school reunion, this awkward battle pits 2 ex-roomies squarely against one another. This time last year, these 2 were battling together to make their teams better; this year, they are mortal enemies. I expect this one to be a slugfest, with each team over 100 pts. All of the Brownies have been playing well this season (Bush, Portis, Manning, Moss, Steve Smith), while the Holmeseseses showcase many TD machines (Brees, TO, Barber). I'll give the edge to the Brownies on 2 counts....A) Face it Bupka, McGahee is dead, and B) The Brownies find a way to win. This team isn't really as bad as I suggested back in Sept.
JOEPA'S INMATES (1-3) at COPE CABANA HMM-HAH (2-2) Another bitter rivalry between two teams this week, and I suspect this will be the closest of the bunch. The Cabanas seem to plugging a lot of holes this week, with jobbers like Steve Breaston and Ronnie Brown earning starts. Plus, their ongoing quest for answers at QB/TE continues. For the Inmates, their 3 starting RBs (Sproles, Westbrook, Norwood) might get about 5 points combined. But the trio of McNabb, Marshall, and SD defense has potential to explode at any time. This one will be a low-scoring nailbiter, and I expect the Cabanas will find a way to win, chalking up another victory for Innopalooza.
2007 IN REVIEW: Newcomer Coach Ryan Porter did not compete in 2007 RMU Fantasy Football. We can only assume he was watching football on TV somewhere, and has some clue of what he’s talking about.
2008 OUTLOOK: Very intriguing squad. Our league’s first prescription dosage of “Steroids and Viagra™” looks like it may cause pain accompanied with some heavy suffering. Coach Porter and his 10-hole pick probably had the most even draft, picking up solid contributors at every position. Basically all his players are on the up-sides of their career, so you’d think guys like Big Ben, Boldin, Lynch, and Welker can only get better from last year. Throw in a good share of low-risk, high-reward backs (Felix Jones, J-Stew) and it could pay off even greater. The one guy standing between S&V and their playoff run is Mike Martz. Can “Mad Mike” effectively get Frank Gore the rock? If what Martz says is true, it could be a big year for this whole team. If not, Porter will be just another coach that we’ll try to replace in 2009. Just kidding. Maybe.
STRENGTHS: QB, RB, WR WEAKNESSES: TE, Defense (Titans?!??! You kidding?) BEST PICK: J-Stew may prove to be the best pick of the entire 7th round. And 6th. WORST PICK: Probably reached on Graham. I predict he’ll be on the bench by Week 3.
Draft grade: A- Coach grade: ????? Overall: A-, until we know otherwise.
LOCK IT UP: 10-4, playoffs!
YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS…… You seem solid enough, but can we really trust you when you align yourselves with scumbags like Barack (Frank Gore) and U2's Bono (Nate Burleson)? You are Democratic Vice Presidential Nominee and Senator Joe Biden (D-De).
2007 IN REVIEW: Despite a truly monumental year, the Innovators came up short of their ultimate goal in 2007. This team re-defined the term “steal” by snagging Randy Ratio in the 5th round, and Big Ben in the 15th. Both guys combined for nearly 600 points, and went on to help the Innovators completely obliterate the old single season record for points (1630 is now 1708). However, as is the case with most mad geniuses (Einstein, Da Vinci, Therrien), Nick completely outcoached himself towards the final weeks of the season, continuously thinking with his heart over his head. The Innovators refused to start any players against the Steeler D (which was already swiss cheese by Week 13). This led to one final playoff blow, as he chose to start Kevin Jones (his longtime boyfriend) over Fred Taylor (who schooled Pittsburgh for like 150 yds and 2 TDs), and narrowly lost to the Reservoir Brownies in the NFC Championship. Coach Inno Schottenheimer’s career playoff record now stands at 0-4. Ouch.
2008 OUTLOOK: We here at RMU Fantasy Football think that The Cabanas will have a chance to turn that 0-4 record into 0-5, because we are fairly certain he’ll make the playoffs. Coach Inno smartly stacked up on skill players like Braylon, Houshyomomma, S-Jax, and Jacobs, while pumping the bench with depth, and ultimately skimping on QB (Kitna or whoever rises up the waiver wire). Moves like this are designed to give teams year-long depth, and usually do work. While Coach Inno promises everyone that his “Steeler-homer” days are over, we still notice that he drafted that shaky PIT defense. Some things never change. Expect an above average year from this squad, but not in the playoffs.
STRENGTHS: WR, RB WEAKNESSES: QB consistency and the coach is a basketcase! BEST PICK: May end up being Ronnie Brown if he’s still alive down the stretch. WORST PICK: Kitna is no steal, if that’s what he’s thinking. Also Shaun Alexander was just self-indulgent. Predictably, he’s already been cut. How long ‘til Kitna joins him?
Draft grade: B+ Coach grade: B Overall: B
LOCK IT UP: 9-5, playoffs!
YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS…… You have had some nice years, but your pitiful voting record speaks for itself. You love Heinz ketchup, but you are a flip-flopper when it comes to the REAL issues (like playoff lineups). You had your one chance at the Big Seat, but it ain't ever coming back. Some people say you can’t even throw a football. You are disgraced Democratic Senator John Kerry (D-Ma). Why the long face?
2007 IN REVIEW: I’m reminded of the 1993 Penguins who had an awesome old logo and inexplicably butchered it, in favor of the “pigeon” side-profile. People were furious, and I still think many are (except me, I love the pigeon). The following year, they could’ve easily won the Cup, but went home empty-handed. Most people blamed the branding. I liken this phenomenon to Amy’s 2007 team. Apparently, Kotula Marketing Inc. thought it would be super-cool to scrap a great, original name like “High Heels & Helmets” to go to the edgier “Gridiron Maidens.” I mean, you could smell disaster from the start. And it happened in the first month, when #2 overall pick Stephen Jackson incurred a freak foot injury, and Marvin hurt his knee. Both lingered all year. By the end of the season, this hopeless bunch was trotting out Kellen Clemens and DeShaun Foster. Overall, 2007 was a forgettable season, like most of the ‘80’s Steeler campaigns.
2008 OUTLOOK:First thoughts? It’s about time they go back to the HHH. Ask the Pens what happened when they went back with the good logo. Second thoughts? Really, not a bad squad. Here’s a good example of pairing basic productivity (Addai, Wayne, Jamal) with some flashy upside (Parker, Cotchery, Crayton). Personally, this Commish feels that Parker will have a bounce-back season. Afterall, minus a freak turf injury, he was the NFL’s leading rusher last year. While Mendenhall is dropping more balls than Bupka on a Friday night sugar-bender, Fast Willie will see some end zone carries. Third thoughts? Like Danica Patrick, Coach A. Reilly had a lot of breakout hype when she entered the league 2 years ago, but has been stuck amongst the middle-pack. Are you ready to write her off yet? With the #3 rank, I guess I’m not.
STRENGTHS: RB, defense WEAKNESSES: Depth, QB ? Is Palmer going to last on that sinking ship? BEST PICK: Big D will pay dividends all year long. I like their defense, and also the Crayton pick. He’s a fiery ball of upside. WORST PICK: Gates and his big toe were a risky pick in the 5th round, especially when good WRs and RBs were still available. Ahman Green / Reggie Brown = wastes of picks
Draft grade: B+ Coach grade: C Overall: B
LOCK IT UP: 9-5, playoffs!
YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS…… You are a good dresser, an eloquent speaker, and you love the Olympics. For some reason, the liberal media doesn't love you back. You've had chances to prove yourself, but we still haven’t taken notice. You are Morman Governor Mitt Romney (R-Ma).
2007 IN REVIEW: Last year brought a hopelessly boring and mediocre season for the veteran Briggs. The Hemera’s Haters got solid production out of their QB and receivers, but sorely lacked any type of RB contribution whatsoever. When their captain Fast Willie was lost to injury, this team packed it in, losing 4 out of their final 6 to finish at .500. Now that we think about it, that’s been this franchise’s story for the past 5 seasons, with finishes of 8th, 5th, 6th, 6th, 6th. Blah. Certainly the star has dimmed quite substantially for Coach J.M. Briggs.
2008 OUTLOOK: There may be hope for a turnaround. In August, the C-Hamps won rights to the #1 overall lottery pick and suddenly found a rock solid core with LaDainian (think the old shitty Penguins winning the Crosby lottery). Don’t forget, LT is technically a reigning back-to-back champion in our league, as he was a member of the ’06 champion Straps and ’07 champion Guns. The C-Hamps are fairly top heavy, with LT, Romo, Burress, (Jade man crush), Witten and little else, but some project rushers like Mendenhall and Julius Jones could round these guys out if they develop.
STRENGTHS: The Franchise LT (when he’s not pouting) WEAKNESSES: Depth, WRs, will always have to live knowing Sanders was his Best Man BEST PICK: Obviously LT, but this commish likes the guts to take MINNY defense when they needed it WORST PICK: Jake “Tommy John” Delhomme. Yuck.
Draft grade: B Coach grade: C- Overall: B-
LOCK IT UP: 8-6, playoffs!
YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS…… You were given the keys to the #1 position, even though you probably didn't deserve it. Your campaigns are boring, yet you stand for all the right things. You have limited movement in your arm (thumb) due to a combat injury in North Vietnam (The Matrix). You are THE MAVERICK, Republican Presidential Nominee John S. McCain (R-Az).
2007 IN REVIEW: While Coach Bupka had one of the dumbest team names in recent fantasy sports history, his team was actually pretty decent….until November came. The “Abombs From ARod” trotted into Thanksgiving with a #1 power rank and 7-3 record, seemingly locking up any playoff spot……BUT then turned around and COMPLETELY TANKED in the final month, going 0-3-1 and missing the playoffs. This streak included losses to the miserable franchises owned by Mike Mike and Joe Yee. Some folks at NFL Network said this was football’s version of Greg Norman choking at the Masters, or the Nadds choking in intramural softball playoffs. We here at RMU Fantasy Football always talk about the difference between good drafting vs. good managing. Guess which one Bupka sucks at.
2008 OUTLOOK:The Good News: The Bupkas arguably had the best draft in the league. At worst, he had the 2nd best draft. Nobody can deny the value picks were all over the place with Brees, Run DMC, and Ricky. Not to mention he probably has the 1st or 2nd best stable of receivers in TO, Colston, and Jennings. Barber and Heath can be touchdown machines on Any Given Sunday. The Bad News: See above. See last year. See the last several years. The problem here is not Bupka’s knowledge of the game; rather, it’s his management. How many times have we sat here and said what a good draft he had, only to watch those picks get wasted on 6-8 team? The challenge for this year’s squad is to stay involved and stay smart. There’s no reason he can’t improve his 2007 record. Just look how much he improved upon his 2007 name….no….wait…..its still terrible.
STRENGTHS: WRs, QB WEAKNESSES: Coaching commitment, diabetes BEST PICK: McFadden was perfectly taken at the right spot, and given the circumstances, could play like a 2nd or 3rd round pick. WORST PICK: Eli is a terrible fantasy player, even during Super Bowl years. Tons of good players were left and he already had Brees. Bad move.
Draft grade: B+ Coach grade: C- Overall: B-
LOCK IT UP: 8-6
YOUR POLITICAL SOULMATE IS…… You talk a big game, but constantly get out-hustled and screwed over by everyone else. The Right thinks you suck, and well...so does The Left. Even though former President Clinton proved himself to be a scumbag, you still love him. You also love pantsuits, taxes, and stupid nicknames like "Hill-Rod". You are Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-Ny).
